i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
