I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm both gender and math confused
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
