he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
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Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
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I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
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