Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
