she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
