wat bout pragnant strippers??
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
The 19 Creepiest Missing Person Cases
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.