I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize