hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i was born a porn star she said
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
