i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
