saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
