I'm sorry my penis didn't work
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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