oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
