Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
