I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
