talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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