from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
