yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
