i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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