I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
