WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
my vag is so smooth its legendary
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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