the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
