Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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