so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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