its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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