fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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