God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
