the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
