NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
