she takes plan B like it's going out of style
time to smoke my breakfast
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Randomize
