The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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