After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
do herpes really smell.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize