She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
