i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
