i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
