I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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