i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
