dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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