I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
