if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I think I died a long time ago.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
