I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
