It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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