He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Randomize
