when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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