I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
