Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
How external is "for external use only"?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
