she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
