I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
