I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
