the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
