Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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