you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
