The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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