I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
