My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
tell me about the eggs
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
