I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.