I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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