Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
