Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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