she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
