currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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