I hate your face
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
