How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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