it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
