we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
